2nd Draft of a Starry Night Suprise

Okay here is the 2nd Draft...

What do you think???

Night Sky Surprise

After the last game of the season, John and Amy decided to spend the night stargazing. Even though he was on the team and she was in the cheer group, they much preferred a quite night spent studying the constellations to the loud, mindless parting of their peers.

By the time they reached the hillside, the faint sliver of moon had just set. The night was clear with a darkness so thick you could feel it. A perfect night to watch the stars. John easily swung the backpack with the telescope and blankets off his broad back. After handing Amy the blankets, he turned to set up the telescope. Amy spread the blankets on the ground, her mom's yellow patchwork quilt seemed to glow against the dark grass. This had always been her families favorite spot to stargaze, and ever since she meet John in Astronomy club he had joined her. The temperature was making a quick run through the 40s as it headed for the upper 30s. Amy shivered in John's leather varsity jacket and wrapped it tighter around her body. Pushing her long brown hair back inside her knitted cap she re-wrapped the long scarf her Aunt made her. Grabbing the small insulated backpack she had been carrying, she reached inside and pulled out the big thermos of hot chocolate and two mugs. She had also brought an assortment of snacks for latter. The wonderful smell of chocolate drifted to her nose as the steaming liquid filled the mugs. 'Mmmm, was there anything better than the smell of chocolate on a cold night?' Turning toward John, Amy stopped dead and stared at the horizon.

'What the heck?' She slammed her eyes shut to see if the image would disappear. But when she opened them the pulsing lights were still there. John turned toward Amy and his smile froze when he saw her face. 'Oh man. She's white as a sheet.'

“Amy. What's wrong?”

She just pointed toward the horizon, as if afraid to make a sound. John glanced up and his eyes widened in shock. Coming toward them were two lines of pulsating lights in a wide V shape formation. Behind the lights the stars seemed to vanish leaving only a black emptiness. The lights slowly glided across the sky without creating so much as a whisper. As they moved overhead, a rounded boomerang design became visible against the starry sky. It was a some kind of craft that seemed to be almost a mile wide. They continued to watch the giant ship as it glided over the hill and disappeared behind the tall pines at the other end of the field.

Amy looked quickly at John to verify he had seen what she did. “Was that what I think it was?”

John nodded and the both said at the same time,

“An alien spaceship!”

“A secret Military Plane.”

“A WHAT????” turning they stared at each other.

The Cat's Paw
http://www.eso.org/public/images/potw1228a/

Night Sky Surprise ---A Short Story

Alright folks. I had another assignment.

   This time I was to turn on the radio and make note of the first thing I heard. I was then to write a short story of no more than 500 words about it.

   So I turned on the radio and the news channel was on. Being how it was after Midnight, there was no news. It was Coast to Coast AM, and what do I hear... the host and the guest are discussing triangular UFOs and the debate of whether they are military craft or extraterrestrial.

   Okay, this is going to be real interesting, I didn't know there was such a think as a triangular UFO.

   So I did a quick internet search and came across the Phoenix Lights story. Hmm, okay now I got an idea....

Night Sky Surprise

John and Amy decided to spend the night star gazing. By the time they reached the hillside, the faint sliver of moon had just set. The night was cold and clear. The darkness so thick you could feel it. A perfect night to watch the stars. John easily swung the big backpack with the telescope and blankets off his broad back. After handing Amy the blankets, he turned to set up the telescope. Amy spread out the blankets on the grown, her mom's yellow patchwork quilt seemed to glow against the dark grass. This had always been her families favorite spot to star gaze, and now that John didn't have any games he could join her. The temperature was making a quick run through the 40s as it headed for the upper 30s. Amy shivered in John's leather varsity jacket and wrapped it tighter around her small body. Pushing her long brown hair back inside her knitted cap she re-wrapped the long scarf her Aunt had made her. Grabbing the small insulated backpack she had been carrying, she reached inside and pulled out the big thermos of hot chocolate and two mugs. Inside was also an assortment of snacks for latter. The wonderful smell of chocolate drifted to her nose as the steaming liquid filled the mugs. 'Mmmm, was there anything better than the smell of chocolate on a cold night?'

Turning toward John, Amy stopped dead and stared at the horizon.

'What the heck?' She slammed her eyes shut to see if the image would disappear. But when she opened them the pulsing lights were still there. John turned toward with a smile that froze on this lips when he saw her face. 'Oh man. She's white as a sheet.'

“Amy. What's wrong?”

She just pointed toward the horizon, as if afraid to make a sound. John glanced up and his eyes widened in shock. Coming toward them were two lines of lights, forming a wide v shape. Behind the lights the stars seemed to have vanished and there was only a black emptiness. The lights slowly glided across the sky without a making so much as a whisper in the night. As they moved overhead, John and Amy could tell the object was some sort of ship. The rounded boomerang design visible against the starry sky. It had to have been almost a mile wide. They continued to watch the giant ship as it crossed the hill and disappeared behind the tall pines at the end of the field.

Amy looked quickly at John to verify he had seen what she did.

“Was that what I think it was?”

John nodded slowly and the both said at the same time.

“An alien spaceship!”

“An experimental Military Plane.”

“A WHAT????” they both said while staring at each other like they suddenly gone mad.

Heightening your observation assignment.

Well, I have written another assignment. This one is about heightening your observation. It is to help you slow down your writing by adding more detail to it. (Boy, did it work, it took me almost 3 hours to write one very short story.)
I was to go back to my last assignment for developing a character and add more detail about the person and the scene. They wanted you to use your powers of observation to add sights, smells and sounds to the story.

The hardest part of this was the space count. I edited and edited and edited to get it down to fit in the space provided. I went from 1952 spaces to finally 1201.... Wait 1201. One freakin' character off.
Oh hell, if the reader can't tell the story is over, they need a whole lot more than one freakin' period.

So here is the final draft... all 1200 freakin' spaces of it.

As I listened to the bird's and watched the ever changing pattern of sunlight through the tree leaves, I heard the deep rumble of the school bus. With the sweet smell of honeysuckle lost in the acid smell of diesel fumes the big yellow bus came to a stop. The doors opened and I saw her on the steps. Her light brown hair swung forward hiding her face. A pair of worn blue jeans and red short sleeve t-shirt accenting her small frame. A sweater stuck out of a backpack that looked to weigh as much as she did. She slowly stepped down onto the black asphalt, took a few steps turned and waved to the bus. She fussed with her backpack, casting a sideways look through a curtain of hair. The boisterous noise of kids faded, she turned to go. The poor dear was limping and could only hobble a few feet before crumbling forward like someone let the air out of her. “Are you okay?” At the sound of my voice she jerked up and made a quick swipe at the tears I saw running down her face. She tried to smile, but failed. She shook her head and struggled to walk without limping. Recognizing that resolve to show no weakness, I offered her a tall stick 'to keep the dogs away' and watched her gallantly walk on

2nd and 3rd assignment...

Well, I have completed two more writing assignments. The first is to develop a character out of your notebook in  200 words or less. I have been taking notes of people I see as I set out on the patio. I picked out a school girl who get off the bus at our corner, for this assignment. I have no idea who is really is, but I will call her Sally.

Sally stifles the grimace of pain that crosses her face. She looks down allowing her long blond hair to fall forward and hide her face. She turned and waves good-bye to Mr. Merit and her friends on the bus.

Pretending to adjust the heavy blue backpack, she waits until the bus moves out of sight. The overpowering foul smell of the diesel fumes robing her of what is left of her breath. Turning toward home she gives into the pain of her injured ankle and allows her legs to buckle. At least no one was around to see her crying, she thought as the tears ran down her face refusing to be held back any longer.

“Are you alright, Honey?” said a concerned voice from the garage she was passing.

Sally jerked up as if pulled upright by the strings of a puppeteer. She gave a quick swipe at her face, before looking up. Not trusting her voice she nods, waves and slowly hobbles down the road toward home and Mom

After reading excerpts from George Orwell and Zoe Heller we were asked to revisit our assignment and add more detail to make it better. I chose to change viewpoints to add more depth to the paragraph. What do you think?

I noticed Sally when she stepped off the big yellow school bus. Normally she bounces down the steps with that big blue backpack and hurries down the road. Today she hesitated as if fearful of getting off. I saw her grimace as she stepped down, took a few slow steps forward turned and called good-bye and waved toward the bus, without really looking. She fussed with her backpack, while casting a sidelong look at the retreating bus. When the bus was out of site, she turned toward home.  Then I saw why she was acting different. She was favoring her right ankle. The poor thing was only able to hobble a few feet before crumbling toward the ground.

“Are you okay, Honey? Do you need some help.” 

At the sound of my voice she jerked straight up and made a quick swipe at the tears running down her face. She tried to plaster a smile on her face, but it came out as a pained grimace instead. She shook her head no and struggled to walk without a limp on down the road. I recognized that pride and determination to not show any weakness. So I offered her a stick 'to keep the dogs away' and watched her walk away. What she didn't know was I shadowed her, just in case.

Which one do you think is better? Did the second one improve the character development or not?

Feedback desperately needed...

Hi all. Remember me.

No, I'm not dead, at least I don't think so. If I am this is so cool... there is internet access in the afterlife.

I am trying to get back to writing, so I am taking an online fiction writing course at futurelearn.com. I am really enjoying it, except for one thing. There are too many freakin' people taking it with me.
I spend time writing posting my assignments, but no feedback. So I am going to start posting them here.
Hopefully you guys can help me out. After all without feedback, I think I am getting better, but who knows.

Well, here goes.

My first assignment was to write 2 paragraphs mixing fact and fiction. One paragraph had to contain 3 facts and 1 fiction the other 1 fact and 3 fictions.

 Here is what I wrote:

The pyramid glowed in the night. Creating a comforting light for those who lived near by. The magical powers of it's sound chambers gave the people a long healthy life and bless the lands with prosperity.  My father was one of many that designed it. The location was chosen for the underground springs that would create the proper harmony and energy needed, and  now, after 20 years, Khufu's Horizon was complete.


The strong winds continued to blow, as they had for the last 9 hours. The  lights had gone out 2 hours after the hurricane's arrival, and the candle light seemed to make the constant roar even worse. We stood at the windows watching the trees lean further and further over as the rain soaked grown gave up its hold on the shallow roots. One more tree down across the creek will block it and cause the water to raise onto the porch. The suddenly there was silence. The storm had passed and we were spared.

Well can you tell which one is which? Did I blend fact and fiction well?

Please, Please, Please help.

I will be forever in your debt and promise to remember you when I become rich and famous.

Crap as bad as my memory is I had better make up a file now with everyone's name so I can keep my promise. (Opens new File and types Little People who helped my out...)