2nd and 3rd assignment...

Well, I have completed two more writing assignments. The first is to develop a character out of your notebook in  200 words or less. I have been taking notes of people I see as I set out on the patio. I picked out a school girl who get off the bus at our corner, for this assignment. I have no idea who is really is, but I will call her Sally.

Sally stifles the grimace of pain that crosses her face. She looks down allowing her long blond hair to fall forward and hide her face. She turned and waves good-bye to Mr. Merit and her friends on the bus.

Pretending to adjust the heavy blue backpack, she waits until the bus moves out of sight. The overpowering foul smell of the diesel fumes robing her of what is left of her breath. Turning toward home she gives into the pain of her injured ankle and allows her legs to buckle. At least no one was around to see her crying, she thought as the tears ran down her face refusing to be held back any longer.

“Are you alright, Honey?” said a concerned voice from the garage she was passing.

Sally jerked up as if pulled upright by the strings of a puppeteer. She gave a quick swipe at her face, before looking up. Not trusting her voice she nods, waves and slowly hobbles down the road toward home and Mom

After reading excerpts from George Orwell and Zoe Heller we were asked to revisit our assignment and add more detail to make it better. I chose to change viewpoints to add more depth to the paragraph. What do you think?

I noticed Sally when she stepped off the big yellow school bus. Normally she bounces down the steps with that big blue backpack and hurries down the road. Today she hesitated as if fearful of getting off. I saw her grimace as she stepped down, took a few slow steps forward turned and called good-bye and waved toward the bus, without really looking. She fussed with her backpack, while casting a sidelong look at the retreating bus. When the bus was out of site, she turned toward home.  Then I saw why she was acting different. She was favoring her right ankle. The poor thing was only able to hobble a few feet before crumbling toward the ground.

“Are you okay, Honey? Do you need some help.” 

At the sound of my voice she jerked straight up and made a quick swipe at the tears running down her face. She tried to plaster a smile on her face, but it came out as a pained grimace instead. She shook her head no and struggled to walk without a limp on down the road. I recognized that pride and determination to not show any weakness. So I offered her a stick 'to keep the dogs away' and watched her walk away. What she didn't know was I shadowed her, just in case.

Which one do you think is better? Did the second one improve the character development or not?