Monday, June 2, 2014

Another Character development story

  Here is another short story for character development. We were asked to develop a character by choosing a method we either haven't used or have used the least.

So here is my story. Let me know what you think.

Ice Cold Killer...

   The tall amazonian blond walked in the door, her short red dress drawing an admiring glance to her figure and long legs. Her ice blue eyes searched the dimly lit club until she spotted her prey sitting in the back corner. Quickly scanning area around him she easily spotted his muscle-bound guard dogs in their black suits with conspicuous bulges. A small scornful smile turned up the corners her red lips as she saw Liam and his men checking her out. “This is going to be easier than I thought”

   She made her way to the bar and ordered a Margarita on the rocks, she would have preferred straight Tequila, but she need a clear head. These preppy bars always watered down their mixed drinks so she could drink all night if she had to. She turned around on her bar-stool and studied Liam Williams. She knew him by reputation but had never meet him and that's why his bosses hired her. He would never see her coming. His file was in her purse, but she could recall what it said. Dark-haired man in his early 30s, married with 3 kids, mother still living. He goes to visit her at the Sullivan nursing home everyday at 10 in the morning. Spends most nights at the Culture Club on 8th street. Looking at him she could also tell he was a narcissistic middle man with dreams above his station. If he hadn't been here tonight she would have had to catch him at the nursing home tomorrow. He was due to testify before the grand jury at 9am on Friday. The burner phone in her purse lit up to show another urgent text, she had no idea what Liam knew but it sure was making the wrong people nervous. That was the 3rd text she had received since 5 o'clock this evening. “Their going to have a nervous break-down if they don't calm down. They know I always finish what I say I'll do. That's why they pay me the big bucks.” she mumbled to herself.

   Through the flashing lights and cigarette smoke she saw Liam and his entourage making their way to the dance floor. She palmed the small atomizer of cyanide solution and made her way to the floor. She danced her way over to Liam, and pretend to stumble. She apologized purposely slurring her words and sprayed him quickly in the face as she pretended to hang on for balance. One of his bodyguards helped her off the floor and back to the bar, to make sure she would be okay. When he headed back to his boss, she collected her purse and headed for the door. As she left, the door was closing behind her, she heard a scream and a yell “Call 911 he's having a heart attack.”

   She hailed a cab and climbed in the back. She sent the text: 'DONE' smiled and threw the phone out the window. She leaned back against the seat of the cab humming to herself. The other $50 thousand would be in her account by morning.


Anonymous said...

Ha didn't see that one coming! Great little story. I'm doing this same course too how funny. I'm just about to write mine and I've gotten side tracked by facebook. Can I post a link in your comments to mine when I'm done? Then you could give me some feedback too!

The characterisation is really good. You put in lots of descriptive detail about her amongst the action, in the first paragraph. The fact that she's a blonde bombshell, and a lady in red, immediately puts the reader on guard. This woman is dangerous, but we don't know how yet.

I think the piece could be stronger without her mumbles and thoughts being so mundane. Perhaps try showing her smile somehow in pleasure after her surveillance of the room. Or her annoyance by tutting or frowning at the message that is rushing her. The mumble just comes across as whinny and that the clients don't trust her. It undermines the readers belief in her competence.

I like the details about the file and what she knows about him...stalkerish... ;-)

I also like how she acts drunk to deceive the targets and fulfil her contract. She's obviously a resourceful woman.

I'd say this character is an ideal creation, completely fiction. :-)

How are you finding the course by the way?

River Fairchild said...

This is great, Pam! I agree with Jessica about the mumble. You already established in the earlier sentence that the people were nervous. By removing her mumble part, you keep her personality of being confident intact.
I love her method! Where can I get some of that spray? Bring the shovel! :D

River Fairchild said...

Of course, I could have made my comment a wee bit clearer. I meant remove this:
“Their going to have a nervous break-down if they don't calm down. They know I always finish what I say I'll do. That's why they pay me the big bucks.” she mumbled to herself.

The rest of her thoughts I liked. :)

Theres just life said...

Jessica I would love to read your story. Yes please post the link. There are so many people on the course it is hard to get feedback.
Thank you for your feedback it is much appreciated.
River, I knew I could count on you. Thank you for reading my story and I am going to use your and Jessica's advice on the story. I have read your book and will be getting back to you on it. I liked it, by the way.

Deirdra said...

Hi I'm looking for your contact info for a book review/post?
Can you email me at EdenLiterary at gmail dot com